November 8, 2001
Exclusive Interview With Lady Ingeline, The Damsel Of Distress!!
Lady Ingeline Says: "Krummelbart Has Learned His Lesson - Now It's Time To Show Some Mercy" - No Marriage "Just Yet"
"Who would you prefer as the new liege of Windfall Heights: Lord O'Borbitt, Lord N'Meyer, Lord Watislav...?"
"Lord McSweeney. A young, virtuous and strong Swordsman should be rewarded for his deeds. However, we do consider the status quo as satisfactory."
"So that means - no more preemptive strikes?"
"Only if necessary. It is hard to survive in this world when you are small. And weak. And a woman."
[While saying that, Lady Ingeline cracked a walnut with her bare left hand.]
Weak and helpless Lady Ingeline, attacked by an evil enemy
"We heard that you were so weak and small in the South recently that Lord Krummelbart lost three full armies in one battle, just because he was so much stronger...."
"Exaggeration and lies. It was a hard struggle."
"No, for both of us; many brave men lost their lives, on both sides."
"Thank you very much, your highness, for this exclusive interview. Would you like to make a final statement to our readers?"
"Please tell all our fellow blue blooded friends in the distant lands overseas that we currently do not own more than a single longboat, but that is going to change soon. It might also be interesting for them to know that we are currently negotiating with Lord Watislav on the return of Trollweir and Firyean into our just hands."
"Thank you very much, Milady."
Field Assistants finally ready for job market
"'t was about time" says Lord Skulpercushion, the teacher of the latest class of graduates of the Imperial Academy of the Art of War here in High Rock (also known as "High Rock High" among its pupils).
"I been hammerin' these ole lessons of Dorian III into their heads, about how to storm a castle when all the siege equipment you have is a headless goat and a grog hangover, but do they learn? Do they read books? Do they get a lesson from history? No! So I had to make them take extra classes. Hah! Now they know!"
Lord Skulpercushion refused to comment on how Dorian III exactly performed this marvellous deed, and warned that future assistants to Gyrne's peace loving nobility might be incapable of being quite as successful with the historic Emperor's original tactic, which apparently somehow involved the use of a dragon, massive amounts of alcohol, money, table dancers and a large public festivity right under the red eyes of the besieged and starving desert castle's garrison.
"Awwlright, it might not be the most useful lesson to learn, but it's still interesting!" concluded Lord Skulpercushion, who should have retired over four years ago, yet cannot leave post unless the next Emperor picks a successor.
The new Field Assistants can finally be hired from the Downloads section.
Another exclusive success of the Gyrne News Messenger
Our Messenger team was invited to the Fortress of Stormy Barrows, where Lady Ingeline, Damsel of Distress, the most feared woman on the battlefields of Angyrn, had just returned from the battle of Nethergreen, where she had successfully and courageously slaughtered numerous unarmed peasants of Lord Krummelbart with her bare hands. While our reporters waited in patience in the hall, Milady changed into something 'more comfortable and less blood stained' in her well guarded quarters. It was only after three hours that they were allowed to speak with her.
Exclusive Interview with Lady Ingeline of Stormy Barrows
"Lady Ingeline, congratulations! Did the battle go well?"
"It did indeed."
"No more comment? Who did you fight against?"
"Krummelbart, of course - the ruthless tyrant of the South!"
"If Krummelbart is a tyrant of the South, what shall you be known as then, Milady?"
"Peace loving! When we chose to attack Krummelbart not too long ago, it was nothing but a preemptive strike, since at that very moment his mighty fleet was already approaching the coast of our beloved capital! Only my heroic generals were able to surprise him by a sudden first strike."
"So, ah... you and Lord Krummelbart were... basically... launching preemptive strikes against each other?"
"One could put it that way, couldn't one. However, now that he has fallen he has been shown the limits of his power and been taught a lesson. Since he no longer claims the North as his, we were able to negotiate quite quickly. We therefore call on all noble men to do alike and have mercy with him."
"So, if you negotiate with him, does that include your hand as well?"
"May we then inform Lord Krummelbart that you have rejected his marriage proposal?"
"We haven't even received his proposal yet!"
"May we conclude then that Milady will accept Lord O'Borbitt's proposal?"
"We are quite conservative, and will decide only once we have received a personal letter."
"How are relations with Lord Watislav these days?"
"We... respect each other's borders."
"So there will be no 'preemptive strikes' there?"
"As long as our secret services do not inform me of negative developments, there will be no such move."
"You respect each other's borders by... spying on them?"
"It serves the peace."
"...or the preparation of a preemptive attack. According to rumours, there are intense marriage negotiations with an anonymous noble house in the South or West of Angyrn."
"We do not prepare for a marriage in Stormy Barrows. Not yet."
"Well, such things do take time. How are your overseas expansion plans developing these days?"
"We only engage in peaceful trade on the seas."